Breaking up is hard to do
I’m not a psychologist but always wanted to be one and still think about it. Allow me to shed some light on your dark subject. I write from the guy’s point of view, although this writing applies to guys and girls.
There is no perfect relationship accept for Romeo and Juliet….but they died before their first fight, so who knows.
I’m sure we’ve all heard this from either the boyfriend or the girlfriend. It’s a bad spot to be in, and an unfair one as well. Someone says they need time away and of course, you need to respect that. But why should they call the shots? Why should you be pushed away? Some will agree with me, while others will not. Those who do not are more than likely the ones saying they needed time away. Why did you need time away? Why can’t you take a day or two? What’s with the undefined timeframe?
To me, that screams, “I found someone else and I need some time to get over you so I can try them out, see how it goes, then come back to you if it fails…so just wait around, if I want you back.”
Because I’m not in this situation, I can think clearly. The advice off the top of my head, which was given to me when I was in this situation, is not easy to follow. I could not follow it then but hopefully you will be stronger.
- If she says she needs time, ask her why. If she gets frustrated with your question, that isn’t right. Let her stew on her own if she won’t talk to you. She may feel guilty for something she did or wants to do, that doesn’t involve you. She may just need alone time. She just may want to be single. Regardless, I know it’s REALLY HARD, but let her be on her own and let her know you will be there if she wants to talk. This is way easier said than done but if you keep calling her and pestering her, you will never give her a chance to see what it’s like for her to be without you. Instead, you will come off as a pest. Let her miss you. If you think she won’t miss you and she never comes back, then it’s her loss. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
- DO NOT call her, text her or email her. You need to disappear. Let her come to you. Don’t think that if you don’t go to her and if you don’t try, then she will think you forgot about her.
- Try to use the time to honestly think about what you want. If all you want is her, then you need to think some more. Don’t lose interest in your hobbies. People told me to try things I have not done in years such as bowling or paint balling. Although that’s great advice, I thought since I haven’t done those things in years, that I would only be doing them to get my mind off her…so, they would force me to think of why I went out of my way to do these things, which points back to her. I know it’s hard to get involved in your work or music or art or biking if they aren’t around at the end of the day.
- Don’t think that it’s a break up and that the world is ending. I know you don’t want to get your hopes up, but also don’t get so down on yourself either. A break is a break.
- Find someone you can talk to. Nowadays there are plenty of forums and websites and YouTube you can confide in. There are support groups all over the internet if you feel you are losing hope.
- Hypnosis. This really works if you find a great hypnotist. It took one session and I left feeling normal, the pain was gone. It was amazing. I missed her but felt as if I advanced 2 months into the future. It was great. The hypnotist I went to was very good and worked with smokers to quit cold turkey after one session. She was amazing.
- Time. It takes time. That is the best thing.
If it is a breakup, one thing that really helps is to put EVERYTHING in a box that reminds you of that person. This REALLY WORKS in the healing. I know what you’re thinking…”but what if it’s not over? Why am I putting things in a box?” You will know when the time is right. You will be mad and fedup at this time. I had a large box in which I placed many things, even silly things after a few weeks of pain. All the shirts I wore, the photos, the letters, the cards, the CDs, the hat I wore when I worked on my car while at her place, etc etc. If anything reminds you of that person, you put it in that box and don’t open it for months. After a few years my box was opened and there was no pain associated to any of those things. Out of site, out of mind.
I went through a bad breakup years ago. She got it in her head she needed some alone time. She said she needed to study for her finals. On a side note, she was studying for her master’s degree in psychology at the age of 27. Impressive. Well, impressive if she had her head screwed on straight. She was nuts…stories for another time. I have always been level-headed and relaxed. Should have been me taking those exams. Kind of like having the serial killer give a lecture on knife safety.
I digress. Ok, I thought, but you’ve been studying for finals for weeks and we’ve been together. That statement upset her. What didn’t upset her? It escalated to her creating time frames. She didn’t want to see each other or talk to each other for 4 weeks. I thought that was crazy but agreed. 3 weeks later I called her, and, although happy to hear my voice, she said it hasn’t been 4 weeks yet so now we have to make it 8 weeks, starting from scratch. WTF! I was beside myself and pissed. Anyone on the outside saw this was BS but if you’re in the “relationship” all you know is that person and the good times and the routines you have together. I had no idea what was going on. She started to fight over most anything. I was on thin ice most of the time. Before this she went on a trip to NY with friends and said she wouldn’t call until she got back. She never even called to say she landed. At this point I was done. She was a ghost.
It ended and I was a wreck. She didn’t seem to care. I found out a year after the break up, from her brother, that the guy she was dating, didn’t work out. They broke up. He said something like….the guy she went to NY with after her finals…
Yeah, ok, it added up…2 years later. I didn’t care. I was long over it.
I write this because a coworker has a son in his 30s who is going through a similar situation and I feel bad for him. Her son is a really nice guy who cares for her but the girl does not, it seems. She’s too busy traveling the world and wanting to take a break from him after 2.5 years of dating.
Even though the answer is so clear to many of us, it’s really hard for the one in pain to see. As my brother said, “If things didn’t end badly, they wouldn’t end at all.”
Don’t torture yourself. Move on. It’s their loss. I know it’s hard to accept this but you deserve better. I know it hurts. I know you think she’s beautiful. I know you can’t imagine her with anyone else. I know you don’t want to move on. She started this and you should disappear. She will think about you. She will miss you. She will cry over you. She started this. She will wonder what your new girl looks like. She will cry. GOOD!
It’s very personal. They did things to hurt you and you still want them. You are holding on to the good memories and wanting them to return. Time has moved you two apart and she has decided it’s time to go. Let her go. She has become a hurtful person with no regard for you. Don’t hold on to something that isn’t there. These words will make sense when you’re away from her. From what I have read, it takes roughly one week to recover for every month you spent together. A breakup is the same as grieving a death.
- If you find out she’s cheating on you the best revenge on the guy is to let him have her.
Breaks are a stupid idea, you either want to be with someone or not. So if you get married and can’t afford the bills, she’s just going to leave, saying she needs a break because she can’t deal with it? That’s an idiot and you don’t need that weak person in your life. Sorry, that’s just how I see things.
And you know what? I have a wife now who is cool and beautiful. We have our disagreements, sure, sometimes pretty bad, but we’re together. She upsets me and I upset her (I know you find that hard to believe but that’s what she tells me.) We have two awesome boys and dogs.
That B did me a favor by leaving long ago.
Good luck to all.
This writing is dedicated to my good friend Ed, who helped me through that hell.
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